Bring on the Rain

A glance outside showed me that the sky was beginning to darken, and the wind had picked up. I noticed this with relief, because it meant the daily storm was on its way. I love to sit with a mug of something warm or a glass of something cool and watch God's design at work! I was so alarmed by the fierceness of the storms when we first moved here, but now I miss them during the winter and wait for them each day during the summer. What may look lush and green to a visitor can seem dry and brown to a local who knows how greatly our state benefits from this drenching.

You probably know where I'm going with this.

With all the change that has happened in my life these past two years, my heart has darkened and the pace has picked up; instead of saying a storm is coming, I can honestly say that I am in the middle of it. I wish I could also say that I have welcomed it as much as I welcome a summer shower.

Today, I find I'm asking myself, "Why not?"

Every trial I have been through, without fail, has brought positive change. Yet, I don't anticipate them with a smile and relief - far from it! I fight and deny that very dark cloud as it moves closer and closer, until suddenly chaos breaks all around me and I'm running for shelter. The sooner I can recognize God at work in my life, the sooner the peace will come in the middle of it. It's so hard to get to that point, though!

I go through stages where I feel like I am offending everyone around me. I even offended a patient when I used the term "hell week" to describe what our office conversion was like, and she let the office manager know about it later. Anyone who knows me, knows that "hell" is probably the strongest word I use, yet even THAT was offensive. That's when I want to quit. That's when being alone has a more powerful pull than the fear of embarrassment, so I begin to withdraw. Let the record show that I have watch an entire TV series on Netflix in one sitting. Hear ye, hear ye . . . .

Keeping to myself has a much greater appeal than trying to commune with others. This is when a shift at The Park is ideal, believe it or not! I can interact with hundreds, if not thousands, of people in a 6 hour shift. We can laugh, joke, meet a crisis, find a solution, and part the best of friends in that time. I can make their day brighter and better, and they can make a difference in mine. Then, the most beautiful part, is that they leave and I never have to see them again! They never have to know that I had pizza for breakfast and my bathroom is beyond need for cleaning. They never have to know that my laundry is piled high and there's something unrecognizable in the fridge. They never have to know when I say something stupid and people react with embarrassment. They never really have to know ME, and they never have the chance to be offended by something I say or do.

Today, I realized I was quitting.

So here's my resolve: It's time to look beyond my emotions and go back to what I know is TRUE. That's what truth is for - to give us a place to stand or return when all is failing around us.

When a storm is arriving in my state, I stop what I'm doing for a while and simply watch. Scripture reads, "Be still, and know that I am God."

If I'm caught in a downpour while driving, I reduce my speed, pray, and proceed with caution. Scripture reads, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid."

If I happen to be outside and not near shelter (which happens often lately, as my FB page and Instagram can attest), I sigh, bundle my items to protect them as best as I can, put on my resolve, and walk. Scripture reads, "Press on towards the goal."

I'm in the middle of a beautiful mess, but now I know what to do:

Be still.

Be Strong.

Press on.

All in HIS strength, not mine. Trusting and resting in HIM, not in me or others.

No quitting allowed. As Glenna learned at summer camp, change can only happen when I stop trying to keep everything the same; that's why it's called CHANGE.